Thursday, December 06, 2018

A Change To Blogmas / A Poem.

Happy December!! It's that time of year where everywhere you look you find  a crap ton of lights and festive decorations. Where shopping is a nightmare and Mariah Carey makes a ton of money off her 20+ year old song being replayed to death.

The holidays for some is a time full of family and relaxation, but for others it can be stressful, or even dreadful. For me, the holidays have usually been stressful. On top of familial obligations and getting good gifts I usually write out and complete Blogmas posts throughout December. This year, I want to have a real holiday. So, instead of pumping out four pieces that I will stress over and probably wont be any good, I am going to ditch my schedule of posting every Thursday and write when I am inspired to.

I will keep you all updated on Twitter and Instagram so follow me there to know when/if I will post. I am sorry if anyone is disappointed. I doubt I won't post nothing but on the off chance I don't, I'll be back to putting up my typical blog posts January 3rd, 2019. Until then, here is one more poem:

Feels Like A Holiday

There is something about the twinkling lights
and the blanket of snow
that lightens a load on my soul

the music
the buzzing
the excitement
the joy

It radiates the heat
for our hearts

what a saving grace
a pure and jolly way to weather the storm
of a cold winter night

- CB

Thursday, November 29, 2018


I put on a "show"!!

A late night walk to help aid writers block
went from simply looking about 
to belting it out

to songs from glory days
jesting to the crowd
putting intention into every line

despite the shaky vocal fry...
the fear in my voice
at the starting line...

I powered through until I could 
find my feet
you got this...


nothing felt more
then when the end of my "show" had come
and the crowd of strangers cheered for me...

they got it.

Thursday, November 22, 2018


I dream for a different story, as we all do from time to time, when life is a mess. I've made many wishlist's in my head when I dream.

I wish it were simply complicated, 
rather than a large knot in worn out rope.

I wish for that moment when the eyes of others could see me,
see exactly what I do.

I wish for more appreciation for the flaws I see in myself.

I wish for happiness even if I am in pain,

I wish... 

I once believed I needed these things to be manifested through a genie - a entity who is strong and wise light years beyond me. But I discovered the contrary - I am the Genie and I am capable of unimaginable things- more than I believe I can. I guess belief is as much of a barrier as a dream can be. 



See you later! :)



Thursday, November 15, 2018

What's On My Mind Today 4.

I am trying to write. I know trying will only make it harder, so I decided not to try period, hence this post!

It's Christmas night, and I am so bored. I mean I'm talking to someone and I am enjoying the conversation, but I need to do multiple things at once right now.

I am now watching gingerbread house making on YouTube... happy Monday!

This reminds me of one of my friends... she sends me messages a lot that make no sense but they are so funny. One night, she sent me products from Goop, and apparently they have a vibrator necklace in best sellers... Gotta love the internet!

Oh my the mirror on my wall looks like a giant pill. I just realized that.

I also just realized I only did 2 out of the 8 edits I need to do for January...


I am in a off mood right now. I don't know why, but it feels like I am not myself today. Maybe it's in my head, maybe it's the fact I slept for 3 hours last night...
probably the latter.

I really want a burger...

OK my mind is blank. I'm sorry for the lack of actual content but this is all I can do right now.
Maybe if I get that burger I can focus....

Hey everyone! I lost this post almost a year ago and decided to share it this week! Crazy to reread this back almost a year later and I'm in a similar place - unsure of what to write. I want you all to know a few updates. Firstly, my Instagram is on hiatus due to technical issues on my end but should be back soon. Secondly, and most importantly, Blogmas this year will be vastly different. I am only posting one offical holiday piece BUT I'll be experimenting with different types of posts for the rest of the month and I am so excited!
 Lastly I know posts are being uploaded late. My life has been hectic but I'm trying my best to upload. Follow my twitter (link at the end of this post) for updates on uploads!



See you later! :)


Saturday, November 10, 2018


"I'm trying to fit in a size 6 slipper
One I've outgrown long ago

Now I stand with size 8 feet
I don't know who i am anymore

I sit here lost in the crowd
No puzzle piece to be found
I am on the path back to me
But it won't be smooth sailing at sea

I try to get back on track
To the me before the train-wreck

But the things I've seen these past eight months

I can't let go of nor forget"

I wrote this back in August, while trying to organize some thoughts I was having, and it really relates to me now more than ever. My recovery process has not been easy. I had a rough time in September, as I explained on my Twitter, and I am trying to recollect and get back to me. But one problem I've faced is that I'm not fully sure I can go back. Going backwards to figure out who I am doesn't feel like it makes sense anymore. I don't identify with her anymore. It doesn't sadden me or anything, in fact, it kinda alleviates a bunch of anxiety. I don't fit into that shoe anymore - I'm growing. The issue I am left with now is figuring out who I'm growing into and I'm unsure of how to do that.

I'll figure something out.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

My Ghost Friend.

I was 14 when a friend of mine passed away. Let's call her Robin. She was very sassy, witty, and confident. She took no bullshit from anyone ever. That was what I loved most about her.

A few months after her passing I was walking down a small side street in my neighborhood and I noticed a butterfly. I was always afraid of butterflies but in that moment I wasn't afraid. I had this feeling like no other - comfortable, safe, unsure, anxious, and as if I was with another person. The butterfly landed on my chest, right below my locket Robin had given me. I was kinda spooked. I knew animals and spirits had correlation in mythology - but a butterfly?

I went to take a photo and saw that it was 12:16pm. That was her time of death.

When that realization dawned on me the butterfly flew away. I was so baffled but I decided not to read too much into it.

That was only the beginning...

For years now she's lingered around me. Mostly her presence has been that feeling I described earlier. If, however, I or someone around me did something she found insulting, her presence would be more visual. She has lifted cups in the air, slide objects across tables, open and closed doors, and many other odd things throughout the years. I think I've even seen her shadow once or twice. 

Halloween was our favorite time of year, so right now her presence is more noticeable to me. Usually I am the only one who notices her, but for the first time, last week, she made her presence known to people. I was over at a friends house with one other friend and we started watching a new horror docu-series. That sparked a thought in my head, and I decided to ask - 

"Have you guys ever had any paranormal experiences? Do you believe in ghosts?"

I've always told people of Robin's presence but no one ever truly believed me. I even joke around when weird things happen and say "Ghost!" in a monotone "gotcha" tone. Eventually I just started saying the word because it just was Robin.

My friends both retold their experiences and I felt really good about the conversation. Then, my friend got up to get the door and when he stopped talking about paranormal things and opened the front door, the balcony door swung open. It was not crazy windy outside, nor was the door off the hinge a touch. The fully shut door swung open with a lot of force that no wind could've possibly create. My friend and I on the couch were freaking out while my friend at the door was trying to keep his composure for the delivery guy.

"Guys, that is exactly what Robin does" I say, nervously and knowingly. 

We went about our night as if nothing was wrong, but when I got home I cried. Not out of fear or sadness, but with gratitude - someone else was with me for once. 

No, this is not a poem or a dream or some "story". I have a ghost friend, and today I've finally told you about her.

Thursday, October 25, 2018

The Mind Of Jake Paul - My Thoughts.

If you are like me - or most of the internet - you've been completely obsessed with the Mind of Jake Paul. As an avid Shane Dawson fan, I was intrigued with his choice to do a docuseries about this particular YouTuber. Dawson's work recently has pioneered a new era in YouTube culture. His docu-series added a new sense of legitimacy to YouTubers in mainstream culture in comparison to traditional media. Fellow YouTuber Ellijah Daniel said it best; 

Meanwhile, Jake and Logan Paul have done nothing whatsoever to promote YouTube in a positive light. In fact, they've made a mockery of YouTube.

But I also understand Dawson's mindset. His intrigue clearly was stemmed from empathy. Dawson has been caught up in controversy many times before, and understands the toll that can have on creators careers and mental health. He even stirred up controversy by doing this series, and that was something he knew would happen. Ironically, it's why the series was as successful as it was.
Image result for jake paul news vehicle

People are attracted to things that go against societal norms or that are extreme, and whether or not they enjoy it, they're attracted to it. It affords a viewer the opportunity to escape their own situations and project it onto a figurehead.
This is how Jake Paul, Alissa Violet, Logan Paul, Shane Dawson, and pretty much all the popular YouTubers at the moment have their careers. The proof is in the pudding. As of October 25th, each video has somewhere between 13 to 21 million views.

This week, I'm going to breakdown my opinions on the series, including editing, viewer reception, what I trust (and what I don't), and what questions I am left with. Be mindful - this is solely my opinion on the situation and content, and if there's any FACTUAL inaccuracies I will gladly change my stance. I urge you to watch the series for yourself and come up with your own opinions and not just take what I say as fact. Especially with this, there is a lot of information and a lot of it has been told in four ways, so I also won't go into every detail. I'll focus on the thing I noticed while watching. So without further due, let's jump right in!

Image result for shane dawson jake paul

Part 1 gives viewers such as myself - those not in the know - who Jake and Logan Paul are, and all the controversies they've had. With iNabber's commentary on the Paul brothers, we see the general public's opinion. We also see Dawson shaping his series. He hones in on one of the words used to describe Jake many of times before - Sociopath. I felt that describing him as a sociopath was too much - Jake Paul has always appeared to have emotion and empathy, but lacked responsibility and respect for others.

Image result for shane dawson jake paulPart 2 made me start to question who around me is a sociopath, including myself. Dawson discusses sociopathy with Youtuber and Therapist Katie Morton. Their discussion left many viewers, myself included, very uncomfortable. The editing and direction of the series weighing on mental health gave many the feeling that Dawson was manipulating peoples reactions. This response was not surprising. While I agree with finding fault in the way they discussed the topic, I also think the people concerned with the editing style don't watch much of Dawson's other content. Also, with the way in which sociopathy was discussed the reaction for most was to be mistrusting of people, especially after learning that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths. It's just not a shock that fans mistrusted Shane after seeing a video that instills mistrust in people. It's honestly my second least favorite video in the series.

Image result for shane dawson the family of jake paul Part 3 shows Dawson reacting to the Paul family's content. The start of the video focuses on the controversy from the previous episode, and Logan admitting to "sociopathic tendencies". We then watch as Dawson and Andrew Siwicki (editor and cameraman) deep dive into the channels of Jake and his parents, Pam and Greg. You see how his family uses the Paul brother's fame to create their own followings. Whether it was to intentional hurt them or not, it's clearly cause a lot of damaged to both boys. I feel bad for anyone who has to grow up with parents who's own issues screw up them. At the same time, Jake's actions cannot be entirely explained by his nurture.

Image result for shane dawson the enemies of jake paul Part 4 is where we hear from former Team 10 member, Nick Crompton. Crompton is the most reliable source for understanding Jake's perspective without speaking directly to Jake, but I felt as though he didn't say much. He admits to things the public already knows about for the majority of the video. The only real surprise is what he says about the Martinez twins using Jake to get popular. I don't fully believe Crompton, solely because of what Jake says later in the series which contradicts Cromptons claims.

Image result for shane dawson the world of jake paul

Part 5 shows Jake at home with the new team 10 and his girlfriend, Erika Costell. Dawson brings Morton along with him to act as a "producer" and observe Jake for signs of sociopathy. It's clear moments after meeting him he is not a sociopath, so what will he say to defend his actions? We get a sense of his defense in this episode, but the finale really delves into his side of things. We also see one of Jake's friends, Chad, playing with mousetraps. He admits to being an adrenaline junkie, but to me he just comes across as douche-bag, which can somewhat explains Jake's actions - who your surround yourself with is eventually who you become.

Image result for shane dawson the secrets of jake paul thumbnail Part 6 is more of Dawson getting to know Jake and Team 10. We see them take a trip to Walmart, and we get some explanation for his  assistants abuse allegations against Alissa Violets new beau, Faze Banks. Basically, they said something happened and they made the video accusing him because of Violets relationship with him. I believe this, but it doesn't make it any better. The assistant is the most at fault for accusing Banks in my opinion, but Jake profiting off this just seems as screwed up as some of the thing his parents do. We also see Dawson interview Costell, and Dawson reveals to her that Morton is a therapist. Costell is likable, and her love for Jake seems genuine. She also seems like the only good influence in his life. 
Image result for shane dawson jake paul alissa violet thumbnail

Part 7 takes us one month into the future, to Dawson interviewing Jake's "ex" Allisa Violet. I say "ex" because Violet admits to their relationship being nothing more than hooking up. She speaks on abuse as well and somewhat protects him by saying he was only verbally and psychologically abusive. She also says he threw her phone and pushed her down the stairs in one instance. That is physical abuse. Even if it happens one time it is still abuse. It's sad to see her minimize that but I also understand - she wants to move past it all and live again, so making it seem better than it was creates less of a reaction from viewers. Unfortunately, it causes me to question her, because her story is inconsistent. 

Image result for shane dawson jake paul finale thumbnail
Part 8 brings us back a month to Jake and Dawson's deep dive interview. This was my least favourite episode of the series, but also the one I wanted to watch the most. We learn a lot about Jake's perspective - where he has accepted responsibility, where he hasn't, and ultimately leaves me with a good understanding of his character. I appreciate him taking down the abuse allegation video in front of Dawson. I also commend him for forgiving his brother for what transpired with Violet. He has changed - but not enough for me to consider him a good human being or give him my respect. I think Dawson succeeded in humanizing Jake, rather than saving his image, and yes there is a difference. The wild, chaotic Jake the audience is usually shown on his channel is a facade, and his real persona takes center stage in this series. 

After the series, a lot of questions are either left unanswered or not answered well enough. For example, Greg Paul never makes an appearance despite being present throughout filming. In Part 8 Dawson even asks Jake what is next in terms of business, and Jake says he's going to talk to his dad and ask him to move out, but will that actually happen or is that for the video? Also, Dawson says in Part 3 that Jakes mom looks bad but it will all be explained. After that, we hear pretty much nothing about Pam, which makes me think that Jake and Pam's relationship is strained, but who knows.

Ultimately, the series was just as messy and chaotic as expected, but entertaining as fuck. This has topped anything Dawson has done before, and I know Dawson will top himself again with his next series, whatever it may be.

If you want to watch the series, click here!! I'd love to hear your opinions on this!